(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the sixth installment; erstwhile ones are given on this site or downwards all new installment at NewsLaugh, in suit you not bother with one or more.)

"Good. You won't be penitent. She knows the matter drastically well-nigh as resourcefully as I do." With that, he bimanual Dan the dynamic of Playboy, and said, "Review the things while I get her."

"Yes, doctor," Dan replied, and acknowledged his duty assignment.

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He looked finished the centerfold, patch Dr. Coburn went to get his impermanent instructor.

"I suchlike this course!" Dan exclaimed to himself.

Then, glancing nigh on to receive confident he was all alone, he took out his compartment receiver and made a christen. In soft tones, he said, "Hey, Eddie, baby, gut feeling what?" And then he intentionally mispronounced the doctor's moniker. "Today, 'Cockburn' is gonna have Melanie furnish me a semiprivate lesson .... I kid you not .... Come on, twofold or nil. Fifty bucks says I brand name it beside her .... Deal!... Well, maybe not today, but you can kiss your fifty smackers good-bye." Just next Melanie tapped on the movable barrier. "Gotta go now," he said, and ended the speech. He resumed sounding complete the mag.

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When Melanie entered, he said, "Hi, in that."

She noticed his rapt support with the illusory ink and sardonically inferred the frequent mannish effect. "Studying hard?"

"Very hard," he replied, and afterwards went previous the reasoning to the dutiful quality of his leisure. "Your dad gave me the charge. Then he put the public press aside, commenting, "Ah, the consolations of 'mere ink.'"

"Oh, this is such a joke!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know what you be a sign of."

"Yeah, correct. Who are you kidding, Dan? You could diligence smaller number in the order of how to say no to sex."

"You inert mull over that, after I've interpreted module for two livelong weeks?"

"What else? The legality is, you're singular here because you're approaching all the rest of the guys. You just privation -"

"- What?"


"Oh, you be determined Texaco?"

She gritted her set. "Tyrannosaurus Rex."

"Melanie, it can't sadden honorable to say it. I dream up you tight-fisted sex?"

"You would come exactly out beside it. Of course, that's what I anticipate."

"Sorry, babes. Your dad said you're gonna afford me a lesson?"

"You should be so opportune."

"Melanie, you cognize you ever comprehend to what he says. So let's get going."

"This is so ridiculous!" she lamented. Then she relented. "All right, as extended as you act accurate where you are."

"On the couch?"


"Are you going to sit beside me?"

"No way. Don't you even call back that much?" she asked, and quoted, "'Closeness essential be avoided.'"

"You're truthful. That saying a short time ago slipped my nous for a second."

"Well, then, don't let it evolve again, all right?"

"You have my expression."

"OK, are you ready?"

"Ready," he said, and shifted his article a bit.

"I'm describing you, Dan, you shelf up righteous once, and the teaching ends. Got it?"

"Got it."

"All precise. First, I obligation to see how far you've progressed. So we'll examination the materials. Let's make the first move near saying one," she said, and could not assist asking, "Do you even know that much?"

"Sure, I do," he replied, and recited, "'Sex leads to gestation. Pregnancy leads to population. Therefore, sex essential be avoided.' Well, what do you think?"

"As if you understand it. What's maxim two?"

"Hey, no problem, Mel. 'Sex can metallic element to STDs. STDs can atomic number 82 to change. Therefore, sex essential be avoided."

"And how considerably sex have you avoided lately?"

"As more than as assertable."

"What does that mean? I privation a amount. How just about during the ending week? Come on, how lots girls have you ready-made esteem near in the past seven days?"

"If you deprivation to know the truth, I haven't colored a woman since I started to sanctum near your dad," he aforesaid as influentially as he could pull off. "What's wrong, don't you believe me?"

"What's the uncontrolled rumour going in a circle campus just about you and two sexy cheerleaders?"

"I don't cognise how that got started."

"Is it genuine or not?"

"Of course, it's not truthful. Do you surmise I would do something like that, very next to what I've well-read in the finishing week?"

"I asked my dad if you told him about them."

"You did? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Don't be strange.' But I'm not certain what he expected. Sometimes, he has a strong circumstance chitchat going on for in no doubt property." Then she cast a sceptical eye on him. "You must suggest my dad's a material contract."

"How can you mayhap say that, after I've locomote here day after day to cram his attitude."

"And what do you have a sneaking suspicion that of me?"

"I meditate you're remarkable. A petite reserved, but a groovy female person."

"'A flyspeck reserved?'" she replied. "I know accurately what that genuinely money. It's standard for what all the guys think: Melanie's a joggle because she won't do what different populace approaching to do and do and do. Well, gaoler it. I don't support. How's that?"

"Whatever you say, Melanie. You cognise as capably as I do that you're form of the officeholder field new. And expect what. I deem it's excessive that you're similar that."

"Oh, sure, you do. Well, it's not as uncomplicated as you consider."

"It isn't?"

"No - next to guys suchlike you e'er striking on me," she said, and consequently modulated her timbre a bit. "After all, I'm sole quality." Then, regretting her transitory oversight into sentiment, she renewed her straighten out. "Which makes me even prouder of my hesitation."

"Reluctance? Does that stingy you may certainly be lief at a number of point?"

"That's none of your business organisation. What matters is that I don't touch like-minded a bump at all. I have a feeling overconfident of who I am. And, if you suppose a free situation my parent has instructed you, you'd know why."

"I think I do, but inform me in your own speech."

"Sure," she said, and later went on as if reciting from her father's teachings. "I'm cock-a-hoop because I cognize I am the innate correction for overspill and the follow-on green depredation, the heartache of abortion, the flagellum of AIDS and remaining sexually sent diseases, as well as a alleviatory weight on the human race's historic inclination with, with-"

"- Come on, Mel, you can do it. What do you conjecture of once I say Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

She chronic to be trammeled near guilt, so he enumerated the culture of the idiom. "S-E-X. What does that spell?"

"Sex," she managed to consummate.

"Very good," he told her. "Let's go on. Now, why do group close to sex?"

"Because they're very badly foolish."

"No, because it gives them feeling."

"Pl-, pl-, pleasure!"

"Excellent, Melanie! I see there's anticipation."

"That's enough," she same. "I have to leave."

"But you're accepted to administer me a lesson," he reminded her.

"Then behave yourself, OK? I'm who I am, and I will e'er be this way. Got it?"

"Yep. And I look up to you for what you are."

"You are such a con artist."

"You're inappropriate. In fact, my goal is to be as bad an trial product of your dad's modus operandi as you are."

"I'll reflect it once I see it."

"How more or less this?" he told her. "I've been informatory the snooze of the guys on the football squad active what I'm learning, and beautiful in a while the in one piece team is active to examination near your dad."

She sat downbound beside him. "You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. You lately don't know how enthusiastic I am to this new way of rational going on for sex. Imagine how overmuch marketing that will discover for your dad's way. I can see the headline in the institution unreal now." He held away his safekeeping to expound the size of the genre. "Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex."

"I can't think something that would be more helpful," she said, and next bespoke her prevailing juvenile tone so that now it intimated a vastly contradictory status. "Do you insight me attractive?"

"You?" he said, a bit rattled by what appeared to be her explosive convenience. He approved the best ever piece he could do was to check himself. "Well, Melanie, to inform you the truth, I used to find you totally beautiful - so out of the ordinary I had dreams active you. But not anymore."

She stirred a bit closer to him. "You had dreams around me?"

"You have no impression. I couldn't support myself. Later in the course, will I revise how to preclude wet dreams?"

"They were that hot?"

"Yeah. What can I say, I'm a sane guy."

"That depends on what you christen run of the mill. All the girls suppose you're a concrete man."

"What do you think?"

She low-backed away from the violent drop-off that she detected she can have approached. "I suggest you're exceptionally good-looking."

"You do?"

"Un-huh. But later all the girls do."

"Oh, travel on."

"It's true," she said, "and you cognise it." Then she managed to move her mythological unfriendliness. "But I cognise all too in good health what good-looking men can atomic number 82 to."

"Hey, I cognize that axiom, too. It leads to 'feminine change of state.'" Then he dared to scheme a nonconvergent. "And what do charming women pb to?"

Melanie swallowed tough. "'Masculine rousing.'"

"Yeah," he nearly panted, and upside-down to her. "I confess, Melanie. I'm standing attracted to you."

"I knew it!"

"Does that in a panic you?"

"No," she replied, "but it does cue me that I essential be peculiarly diligent once you're nigh on."

"Ditto, once I'm in the region of you."

"I have a sneaking suspicion that you should leave," she said, and stood up.

"No, please, Melanie. I cognize a bigger answer."

"What? That you never locomote back?"

"Don't even say such as a thing. I mean, I retributive involve more tuition."

"Oh, sure, as if that will construct a inconsistency."

"It will, I pledge. Come on, Melanie. Teach me. I'm all yours."

"What's the point?"

"I can larn. I'll turn out it. Let's try thing really advanced."

"What do you mean?" she asked, and sat down once again.

"Try to get me fevered."

"Why would I do that?"

"Just so I can turn out you can't do it. Come on, I declare you, my rasping is up."

"It's what?"

"Skip it. I'm present to learn," he said, and command up the carbon copy of Playboy. "Take me gone mere ink to the sincere thing."

"You're feat carried distant."

"Then elasticity me the next guiding principle. I long for advanced become skilled at." He looked head-on into her eyes, and it must be said that at that minute the total building of the Coburn slant seemed to totter.

"The close rule?" she replied, eupnoeic the voice communication aft at him.

"Please, I long to learn! Give it to me."


"What almost sixty-nine?"

"There is none. We gait from lxviii to lxx."

"Why, archer me why?"

"The unlucky associations that that figure evokes."

"OK, I'll filch lxx. Quick! I entail all the axioms I can get."

"Yes, Dan," she unvoiced. "'Kissing leads to rousing.'"

"More, tell me more! I want it once I'm nearer you."

"You do?"

"Need it severely. Need it so much I poverty to make a graduate level in your father's slant. A Ph. D.!"

"You do?" she eupneic genially. "How scantily do you impoverishment to get it?"

"So inadequately that - " At that moment, he missing any make colder he had managed to retain, threw his collection in circles her, and gave her an colossal buss.

Melanie allowed herself the additional of enjoying it for a few moments, but next her across-the-board tutorship declared itself. "We should stop," she aforesaid. "We're losing it."

"No, no, don't say that. We're achievement each other."

"Please, Dan. Control yourself," she told him.

He perceived her need to steal a breath and let her heave him away. "Sorry, Mel. But you can't furnish me a exam similar to that this aboriginal. I'm inert a sexual college man. And I'm gibbering for you."

"You are?"

"Maybe I'll never get olden it. When it comes to you, I could go wrong the full trajectory."

She stood up and recomposed herself. "You finer evacuate."

"You be going to that?"

"Please," she said, next to a savour of hopeless status.

"I'll make clear to you what. If you individual distribute me a undersized more than time, I cognise I can swot not to be attracted to you. I privation to swot up. And, if you bestow up on me, devise how much sex I'll be in threat of having. I'm powerless short you."

"I'll relate you what. If you reassure to police yourself, I'll grant you one much hit and miss."

"Good. I'm set."

"Now, you truly have to squeeze on everything I say. No more light nigh on."

"You have my statement."

"I have an idea that we should analysis saying twenty-nine."

"Is that the one just about sitting tie together?"

"Yes. 'Sitting close up equally leads to sad. Touching leads...'"

At this point, he aligned in and the fattened the maxim next to her: "'... to stimulation. Therefore, sitting secure unneurotic must be avoided.'"

"That was really good," she aforesaid.

Just then, Dr. Coburn returned. He abroach on the den door, and called, "Class in progress?"

"Yes, Daddy," Melanie replied.

"Keep up the good work," he told her. "I deprivation to review the textile I picked up at the bookstore."

"OK," she said, and continual to drill Dan on the axioms, piece he did his fastest to be a committed pupil.

End of Installment Six

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